thoughts that i don't enjoy or agree with (TW: topics of sh and grooming)

It feels like every time I'm doing well and good again, my mind loops back in the same stupid cycle. Self harm and the want to be taken advantage of again. It's hard explaining it even to myself but I just miss and enjoy the comfort of both. The way my blood spills out a bit, and the way it looks after it heals is so calming to me. It almost feels like a distraction from my thoughts and emotions as well. I know most people who self harm do it because the feeling of it is calming to them but it's never really been that way for me. I don't mind the feeling but I don't think it's why I do it. I don't like that I am this way nor do I enjoy that I'm this way as I don't agree with it and know it's not healthy. And my mom obviously doesn't want me too either, I hate seeing her distressed because of me. I've fortunately been clean for a while but the thoughts and urges of it still come up when im feeling numb, angry, or sad.

In the same way, there's not a day that goes by that I don't somewhat miss the abuse I went through and want it back. I hate what I went through but at the same time I can't help but love it and want it again. I know I am just missing the manipulation and grooming aspect of it rather than what happened itself but I just can't help myself. I hate my abusers more than anything especially knowing I likely wasn't the only victim, but I just still love them at the same time.

I keep hoping for recovery and that all my icky, and negative thoughts and feelings will go away but they don't and part of me is happy about that as much as I hate it. I hate that I am this way, it's so confusing and hard to get past. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.