(TW: Brief mention of SA/grooming) WHATTTTT?? A HAPPY POST FROM SLEEPYBABYBAT?? 😱 Oops, well. I guess bittersweet is a better word. Hm.
This year has been a really rough year, moving across the country with my mom after my parents' divorce, living in a basement with my mom, my grandpa dying, not being with my dog all year, my mental health either going up and down spiraticatlly or just dissociating often so that doesn't happen, finding unhealthy ways of coping. It's been...a year.
I was sitting by my Christmas tree the other night, just staring at it. I starting laughing a bit because of how dumb it is. It's pretty don't get me wrong, but it's a plastic white tree. My dad always used to cut down a tree up at my grandma's house in the mountains for our Christmas trees in all of my previous years. I guess I just miss the smell of pine and going on the four-wheeler with dad to pick our tree.
It would be freezing as I rode on the back of it, looking at the nature all around me as my dad sped through. We would always spend a good hour trying to find a good one and when we found it he'd cut it down, tie it to the back and let me sit back down with it underneath me.
We'd then take it home after spending the day with my grandma and either decorate it that night or the next day.
I guess looking at my current tree made me realize how much I'd taken the time with my dad, grandma, brother, dog, best friend, all the people close to me, for granted.
I had another thought though after a few minutes, something I had forgotten about kinda came back to me a bit.
I remember back in the day when I was still being groomed, and some time after, I used to be so worried about not being on Santa's nice list and being on the naughty list. It sounds silly, but I remember at the time being so upset about it.
I guess I'm much more happy to be here now than be there again back then. That's kind of a shitty thing to have to choose between, though I think. "Miss your loved ones this Christmas or go back to being eight!" Like, the answer is obvious, but it still sucks nonetheless.
Anyways, despite missing my family (I consider my dog my family) and best friend, I definitely am excited for Christmas this year. I told mom mom losts of cool things I wanted this year hehe. I am really hoping she did buy me that clandestine red jacket, I would wear the hell out of it! Anyways, I meant for this to happy post, but it feels more sad honestly...hm. My point still stands though, I am really excited for Christmas!! Last year it sucked because I was packing to leave, this year I can just chill :P
I've been thinking about it, and I don't think it's healthy for me. I'm not saying all social media apps/sites (like TikTok, Instagram, ect.) are inherently bad, but I think the way and reason I use them isn't healthy. I'll just be doomscrolling for hours upon hours, and for what? I'm never ever satisfied; it feels like just an endless void. I'm not sure if it counts as addiction since it's definitely addicting and an unhealthy coping mechanism, but yeah now that I just typed that out. Yeah. It is. God, that's stupid of me, addicted to social media? Yikes...
The funniest part too is I do prefer blogging and forum-based social media websites, but I just can't stop myself from doom scrolling TikTok.
I'm hoping if I do this my motivation and focus will start to come back. I used to love writing fanfiction and just writing my own stupid stories, but I get so bored after the first like 750 words, I stop and just leave it to rot in my documents. And I feel like that started when I first started using apps like TikTok.
I think Tumblr will be an exception for me though because I still feel satisfied and motivated to do things I enjoy on there, and it doesn't really affect my personal life. Twitter (or oh sorry, X :P) might go though just because ion like the community on there.
But yeah, I want to give it one more day to let my mooties know I'm leaving and say my farewells to my followers on there, and then boom. I'll delete TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter. I feel much happier and actually do shit I enjoy on here, LJ, fanfiction sites, fp and spacehey, and forums. So long doomscrolling addiction.
Current Mood:bored
Current Location:Ermville
Current Music:Whatever that one bauhaus song that's about not liking technology or whatever
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