sleepybabybat: ryan ross is so silly (Default)
 apparently some cold artic blast or whatever is going to make some days below freezing here in tennessee/the south. LMAO my granda is FREAKING OUT, acting like it's the apocalypse or something. me and mom mom are just watching her panicking, looking at eachother like "she would not last a day in montana winter." being only an hour away from the canadian border (and being in the mountains) -15 degrees/-26.111 celsius was the norm, sometimes even lower. like this is gonna be a high for us, a day or two in -4 degrees/-20 celsius and a few days in the single digits (-17.2 - -12.8 celsius)? yeah thats like a good week in montana.

my granda is saying the power might go out though because the power lines by our house are old and not made for this kinda weather. that'll suck probably not being able to use my phone or the laptop for a few days but mehhh. i'm kinda excited to cook on the fireplace if the power does go out, my mom makes ramen called ramen surprise (which is just ramen with eggs, garlic, peas, and corn, maybe butter too- there really is no actual suprise but it's still delicious nonetheless) and im hoping we can make it over the fireplace, that'd be fun!! :D

the water might not run for the week as well so sighhhhh i'll probably have a sit ton of dishes to do once it comes back but whatever :P

anyways, i'll try to keep updates during this if the power will still works or as long as my battery stays if not.
sleepybabybat: ryan ross is so silly (Default)
It feels like every time I'm doing well and good again, my mind loops back in the same stupid cycle. Self harm and the want to be taken advantage of again. It's hard explaining it even to myself but I just miss and enjoy the comfort of both. The way my blood spills out a bit, and the way it looks after it heals is so calming to me. It almost feels like a distraction from my thoughts and emotions as well. I know most people who self harm do it because the feeling of it is calming to them but it's never really been that way for me. I don't mind the feeling but I don't think it's why I do it. I don't like that I am this way nor do I enjoy that I'm this way as I don't agree with it and know it's not healthy. And my mom obviously doesn't want me too either, I hate seeing her distressed because of me. I've fortunately been clean for a while but the thoughts and urges of it still come up when im feeling numb, angry, or sad.

In the same way, there's not a day that goes by that I don't somewhat miss the abuse I went through and want it back. I hate what I went through but at the same time I can't help but love it and want it again. I know I am just missing the manipulation and grooming aspect of it rather than what happened itself but I just can't help myself. I hate my abusers more than anything especially knowing I likely wasn't the only victim, but I just still love them at the same time.

I keep hoping for recovery and that all my icky, and negative thoughts and feelings will go away but they don't and part of me is happy about that as much as I hate it. I hate that I am this way, it's so confusing and hard to get past. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
sleepybabybat: ryan ross is so silly (Default)
(TW: Brief mention of SA/grooming) WHATTTTT?? A HAPPY POST FROM SLEEPYBABYBAT?? ๐Ÿ˜ฑ Oops, well. I guess bittersweet is a better word. Hm.

This year has been a really rough year, moving across the country with my mom after my parents' divorce, living in a basement with my mom, my grandpa dying, not being with my dog all year, my mental health either going up and down spiraticatlly or just dissociating often so that doesn't happen, finding unhealthy ways of coping. It's been...a year.
I was sitting by my Christmas tree the other night, just staring at it. I starting laughing a bit because of how dumb it is. It's pretty don't get me wrong, but it's a plastic white tree. My dad always used to cut down a tree up at my grandma's house in the mountains for our Christmas trees in all of my previous years. I guess I just miss the smell of pine and going on the four-wheeler with dad to pick our tree.
It would be freezing as I rode on the back of it, looking at the nature all around me as my dad sped through. We would always spend a good hour trying to find a good one and when we found it he'd cut it down, tie it to the back and let me sit back down with it underneath me.
We'd then take it home after spending the day with my grandma and either decorate it that night or the next day.
I guess looking at my current tree made me realize how much I'd taken the time with my dad, grandma, brother, dog, best friend, all the people close to me, for granted.
 
I had another thought though after a few minutes, something I had forgotten about kinda came back to me a bit.
I remember back in the day when I was still being groomed, and some time after, I used to be so worried about not being on Santa's nice list and being on the naughty list. It sounds silly, but I remember at the time being so upset about it.
I guess I'm much more happy to be here now than be there again back then. That's kind of a shitty thing to have to choose between, though I think. "Miss your loved ones this Christmas or go back to being eight!" Like, the answer is obvious, but it still sucks nonetheless.
Anyways, despite missing my family (I consider my dog my family) and best friend, I definitely am excited for Christmas this year. I told mom mom losts of cool things I wanted this year hehe. I am really hoping she did buy me that clandestine red jacket, I would wear the hell out of it! Anyways, I meant for this to happy post, but it feels more sad honestly...hm. My point still stands though, I am really excited for Christmas!! Last year it sucked because I was packing to leave, this year I can just chill :P
sleepybabybat: ryan ross is so silly (Default)
I've been thinking about it, and I don't think it's healthy for me. I'm not saying all social media apps/sites (like TikTok, Instagram, ect.) are inherently bad, but I think the way and reason I use them isn't healthy. I'll just be doomscrolling for hours upon hours, and for what? I'm never ever satisfied; it feels like just an endless void. I'm not sure if it counts as addiction since it's definitely addicting and an unhealthy coping mechanism, but yeah now that I just typed that out. Yeah. It is. God, that's stupid of me, addicted to social media? Yikes...


The funniest part too is I do prefer blogging and forum-based social media websites, but I just can't stop myself from doom scrolling TikTok.

I'm hoping if I do this my motivation and focus will start to come back. I used to love writing fanfiction and just writing my own stupid stories, but I get so bored after the first like 750 words, I stop and just leave it to rot in my documents. And I feel like that started when I first started using apps like TikTok.

I think Tumblr will be an exception for me though because I still feel satisfied and motivated to do things I enjoy on there, and it doesn't really affect my personal life. Twitter (or oh sorry, X :P) might go though just because ion like the community on there.

But yeah, I want to give it one more day to let my mooties know I'm leaving and say my farewells to my followers on there, and then boom. I'll delete TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter. I feel much happier and actually do shit I enjoy on here, LJ, fanfiction sites, fp and spacehey, and forums. So long doomscrolling addiction.

 
sleepybabybat: ryan ross is so silly (Default)
Bro im a newer account right? I've had my account for a bit but I am actually starting to use it now and omg it's so funny looking for friends and allat because everyone is either 30 (Which is fine, age shaming is weird, I just imagine most adults don't want some 16 year old trying to act all buddy buddy with them,) OR their most recent posts are vents. Again. THAT IS FINE. Most of the shyt im going to be posting is probably vents and rants and allat but like. How do i try and introduce myself to someone when their most recent post is some speed ahh meme or something...฿น๐–ฅฆ฿น "Please Speed, I need this! my mom is kinda homeless. I live with my dad. I want to help her out." LIKE HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TRY AND INTRODUCE MYSELF TO SOMEONE WHEN THAT'S THEIR POST?? เซฎ(หถ โ•ฅ๏นโ•ฅ) แƒ Again. NOT SHAMING PEOPLE FOR POSTING VENTS. I literally do too. I just find it funny... (โ•ฅแด—โ•ฅ)
 

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